Steps to Positive Outcomes from Difficult Conversations: especially about money, sex, and kids
1. Connection. Confirm that all is as good as possible in the connection between each of you before diving in. Have you just had a fight about something else? It is best to calm down from that first before tackling the next thing, if at all possible, so residual upset from one does not spill into the other. Also: check your agenda. Are you in this discussion to hold your partner to account, to judge, and to demand they do things a certain way? Or are you there to compassionately learn about your partner’s point of view, in order to incorporate it in a creative decision? Hint: most conversations need more of an attitude of compassionate listening and learning in order to maximize success. When people feel judged, held to account, or demanded upon, they are more likely to become defensive.
2. Respect. Respect and appreciate that each partner possesses a unique and valuable contribution to the discussion. The fact that it might be different from yours is not only fine, it could be a major bonus, helping to enhance the desired outcomes. When you decide in advance that there is value in your partner’s perspective, you can make it a goal to seek that value, and that is like mining for gold.
3. Goals. After making sure you have both attended to Connection and Respect, it is time to develop concrete goals or outcomes each partner agrees upon. For instance: deciding to contribute a specific amount to a savings account each month to purchase a new car; deciding on a day for a biweekly date night; or perhaps agreeing that your child needs a tutor to help turn in completed homework. Making the goals very concrete and specific makes it easier for each participant to keep their eye on the prize. Making sure each member agrees fully in the goal maximizes buy-in and minimizes later disagreement.
4. Creative Solutions. People tend to do things backwards and start with trying to fix things and come up with solutions right away whenever there is an important issue. It seems obvious to want to get right to the solution, doesn’t it? But if you do not attend to the fundamentals, solutions are premature. Why? Because if you are not on the same page at the outset, it sets things up to become more like competition than teamwork, or maybe even a situation of accidentally working against each other. As a positive example, one couple’s more pragmatic partner suggests an automatic monthly deduction to a savings account for a new car, with the attitude that “slow and steady wins the race”; meanwhile, the more spontaneous partner agrees, but also asks for help conducting a garage sale to help raise the down payment, excited to give the project a big, initial boost. As you can see, neither is wrong or right, but both together make it better.
5. Check and repeat, if needed. Are the goals being met? If not, why not. Remember, that is not a chance to blame or shame anyone. Troubleshoot backwards. Start with: did we come up with clear goals we both agreed upon? Then ask: did we respect each other’s perspectives and incorporate them in our creative solutions? Finally, check in: are we really in a good place with each other, or are we using this issue to pick a bone of contention that is rooted deeper? If so, attend to the deeper issue first. And remember that in general, compassion is needed more than accountability, so check your agenda. (As a reminder, compassion means finding out what is needed, respecting it, and addressing it.)
6. Enjoy the process! Enjoy working together on all of life’s wonderful challenges! When you follow these steps, notice whether you become closer. Working together on successful projects tends to bring people closer together, and it is so much fun!